shoulda thought of that sooner ...

I had an epiphany today.  You know how (especially in Christian mom circles) you always hear that the ministry we have with our children is just as important as any other ministry out there?  It's meant to be a kind of encouragement ... the equivialent of "you're not wasting your time and you really do have a purpose!"  And I get that.  It's true.  Before I was born, God called me to be a mom.  So this really is my calling.

As I've started to dream again, though, a few things are coming to the light.  One, raising my children is not my only calling.  Two, my children are inevitably going to be a part of whatever else my calling is.  Three, my children will have callings of their own.

My epiphany was not really these 3 facts, but more so how these 3 facts should be impacting my day-to-day routine with my son.  I should be preparing him for the ministry that God has called our family to AND for the calling that's on his life specifically.  My prayers for him should be for wisdom in how to prepare him for what's ahead.  Beyond the basics of parenting, what characteristics should I be nurturing in him?  He's such a people person ... how can I cultivate that trait?  I want him to know that no matter where we go or what we do, our family is always a safe place where he can be himself and know he's accepted ... what am I doing to show him that's true and not just tell him that's true?

I know, I know, he's only 18 months-old.  But if I'm not in the habit of this stuff now, it's only going to get harder to start as we have more kids and life gets crazier!

The Bible tells us in James 1:5 that if we lack wisdom, we can simply ask for it and it will be given to us.  So I guess I probably shoulda thought of that sooner, huh ... better late than never!

i have a dream ...

I feel like I'm starting to dream again.  And I love it.

For the first 25 years of my life, I was such a dreamer.  I had so many hopes, visions, goals ... and I just knew that they would happen if I just fought for them.  Somehow, around 25, I either lost the dream or lost the fight (or both) and have drifted into this passionless existence.  I've gotten so used to living in survival mode that I've forgotten what it's like to be excited about something.  No more!

I'm continuing to work on my children's book ... I'm buying pretty things for my home ... I'm blogging again ;) ... I'm going church shopping even though I hate it (because we WILL find the right one!!) ... I'm looking at other jobs to apply for ... it's so freeing!  I'm even starting to think of what I'd like to do when we're done reproducing ... and why not?  So what if it changes in the next few years?  I LOVE having vision again.  I didn't realize what a slump of mundane living I was in until I made the decision to walk out of it.

My latest dream is ministry ... I just feel so called to minister to women.  I'm not oblivious to how arrogant that probably sounds, but you know ... God has given me wisdom when I've asked for it.  And I don't believe that it's just for me.  God has clearly made me a relational person; my "sweet spot" tends to be when I'm talking to a friend and helping them through the trials that we all face.  I have no idea how, what, when, or where, but I know that I'm asking for direction.  Do I go back to school for counseling?  Do I start a Bible study?  Do I start an advice column?  We'll see!

But for now, it's so nice to dream ...

GREAT is His faithfulness

My life is so full ... I just can't get over how blessed I am. Maybe it's because I'm more of a relational person, athough I'm not gonna say I don't like "stuff" (I mean, who doesn't like stuff???) ... but seriously, I'm just so content. Not an apathetic, no goals or hopes or dreams kind of content, but more of a really, really grateful for where I am and who I'm with kind of content.

The last 3 years or so have been very, very trying. And honestly, we're still in the midst of the trial! I've prayed and prayed that God would give me eyes to see ... and I think He has! It was so hard to leave Pennsylvania ... and then Virginia ... and then Colorado. It was so hard to feel like every other month something else knocked us down, whether financially, physically, emotionally ... I was starting to expect new crises every morning, not new mercies.

But now, almost 3 years later, I've realized several things. One, that's life! I could sit and stew in our problems OR, I don't know, flip open a newspaper and realize that EVERYONE has them. Two, the important things in my life have only been strengthened, not taken. My relationship with Gregg has most definitely been tested, but we are strong, in love, and very much enjoy each other. Three, I can see circustances for what they're NOT or choose to see them for what they ARE. Allow me to explain ...

I have been working from home for over 2 years now and honestly, it hasn't been my cup o' tea. It was supposed to be a temporary thing when we first moved, but I decided to stick with it when I found out I was pregnant. I'm an outgoing, "people person," so balancing work, a child, a house, etc. while being home alone all day has NOT been easy. But you know, without this job, we would have never made it these last 2 years. I could choose to see it as the provision that it IS (both for income and the ability to stay home with my son) or complain about the dream job that it is not.

Now we are living with my in-laws while we pay off some debt, get settled in NY and (hopefully!) buy a house. Is this an ideal living situation? Not really, although I must say it hasn't been bad. But I do miss having the pride of my own place, plus my own schedule, my own decor, the ability to be moody whenever I want ;). And I could choose to focus on the fact that I don't have those things for this season of time. Or I could focus on the fact that I DO have financial stability for the first time in a long time, plus built-in babysitting and grandparents to spoil my little boy! It took longer than we anticipated for Gregg to find a job when we moved and we would have never been able to handle a rent or mortgage payment. God knew and took care of it!

All that to say, I choose to look on the bright side because it truly is brighter. I thank God for His faithfulness and care ... even for things we never knew we'd need.

a person is a person, no matter how small ...

I need to vent a bit. I'm so tired of judgment ... and I'm especially tired, coincidentally, of people complaining about judgment!! (ha ... yes, I'm aware of how ridiculous that sounds.)

What brought me to this rant? I just read through some blogs and articles that seemed to focus on how judgmental, hypocritical and just plain awful the "corporate" world is. As in, if you work in an office, for "the man," get a decent salary, and utilize pens and paper in a way that is not at all artistic, you are clearly everything that is wrong with humanity.

Perhaps a portion of my issue with this is the fact that just about every job I've held has been "corporate" and in an office. I can accept that, mainly because I have no plans to change it anytime soon.

However, a much, MUCH larger part of me is angered because these "righteous" writers are doing everything that they say they hate. Did it ever occur to anyone that all the creative, spiritual, life-giving acts of service that are done all around the world need to be FUNDED by someone who pushes a pen, sits in the corner office, and drinks at Starbucks every now and then??? Why in the world would you judge someone who is doing what they very well may have been created to do? Who are we to assign value to a position instead of a person? Isn't that exactly what they feel from Corporate America ... isn't that exactly what warranted their posts to begin with?

That's the heart of it for me ... when we fail to recognize our own value, we can never really show someone else theirs. These people, who are so adamant about their right to do what they want and not be judged for it, are hurt people and have not yet discovered that their value is in who they are, not in what they do. And just as we comfort in the way we've been comforted, we also hurt in the way we've been hurt ... what an awful cycle!

What would the world look like if people really knew their value? What would happen if we worried more about that then the various agendas that we all like to push?

my hubalish

I know that I just blogged a day or two ago (and it was a looooong one), but I just have more to say!

And that is ... I love my husband! He's such a good man. I love his creativity, his gentle strength, that he believes in and appreciates me ... I'm so blessed by him. Today, Josiah woke up at 5 am and Gregg took him downstairs to let me sleep before he left for work at 6:30. I really, really needed that today, too ... it made me feel so taken care of. :)

As wives, we're all called to respect our husbands no matter what. There's no conditional phrase there -- we just need to respect them!

But how much easier is it to do that when we recognize how great they are? So this is my post to "recall to mind" God's gift to me ... my man! I want to make sure that I focus on why I love and respect him so that in the tough times, that's what pops into my head instead of his shortcomings.

Plus, when I build him up in my head, inevitably I build him up with my words and let's face it ... only good can come from that!

counterfeit

I learned a great lesson from my mom when I was little -- about counterfeit money, of all things. She explained that when they train people to find counterfeit bills, they spend hours and hours and hours studying the real thing, not the fakes. The reason for this is that there are literally millions of ways that you can change a piece of currency. To try to learn all of the potential variations would be nearly impossible! But they work at knowing the original so well that anything other than what they know just sticks out like my 9 month pregnant belly ... and believe me, that stuck out far. :~)

Armed with that knowledge, I've worked my whole life to know God better than the enemy. I didn't want to spend my precious time here on earth wondering what Satan might be up to. I figured that as long as I knew God -- His voice, His heart, His ways -- that I would know for sure when something was NOT Him. And I must say, it's working. Not necessarily in the way I'd expected, though ...

Imagine my surprise when time and time again it's been my OWN voice that I had to call out as the counterfeit! I'm beginning to realize that the enemy can really just leave us alone when we deceive ourselves far better than he ever could. And yes, I know that the nasty old devil can plant seeds of unbelief or fear or whatever in us ... but man, do we do a great job of watering and harvesting those seeds. God forgive my unbelief! When will I finally believe that God really is who He says He is?? My prayer lately has been "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief." (Mark 9:24)

So here's the incredible praise report that brought this on ....

As you know (and if you don't, just check out my last post), money has been an issue lately. I've really been working out my faith in this area because it's just been such a burden. We've gone through our budget several times and no matter how we've reworked it, we're still getting by without being able to really save or knock out our debt. You should also know that Gregg has a LOT more faith in this area than I do (funny how God works that out, huh?). He doesn't know how or when, but he knows we will win the battle of the budget. He tends to go against the grain in certain areas, too, because he will, without a doubt, ONLY do what he feels God is really calling us to -- regardless of what others may say or think. We'd received some financial counsel from a friend and he strongly recommended that we sell our truck and go down to just having one car. We both just didn't feel like it was a good idea. We had a few reasons, but mainly it was just not something we were at peace with. At that point, I really started to take my thoughts captive for the counterfeits they were and speak truth to my own head. If we are MORE than conquerors in Christ, then surely this battle is as good as won, right??

Well, only two days later, I found out that two separate people had been setting aside tithe money because they didn't have a home church. Both felt God telling them to send a portion of that money to us ... and get this - the amount is equal to what we owe on the truck!! Which means we only have one car payment now!! How incredibly good is God?? And how incredibly important is it for us to not just do what He says, but hear what He says.

So, be encouraged! Listen for the still small voice of your King and don't be afraid to call out the deception of this world ... whether it's your own voice or someone else's :).

what's the secret?

So, it's tax time. I'm self-employed, so we owe ... a lot. I've been seriously beyond frustrated because it just seems like as soon as we start to take steps forward financially, something just pulls the rug out from under us.

Thankfully, even when I am faithless, He remains faithful! (2 Timothy 2:13 boyeeee)

Today I was reading Philippians 4:11-13. Everyone knows verse 13: "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." The verses leading up to it don't seem to be as popular, but they are exactly what I need to hear: "... for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

I really, really need to learn that secret ... it's not just about being able to do everything I want to do through Christ; it's about being content in Him, regardless of the things going on around me that are definitely not what I want. I can quote "I can do all things" til I'm blue in the face, but I think I need to start to realize what "all things" encompasses. I can be content in the midst of this financial garbage ... just like when we finally get out of it, I can be content with what I have and not continually need more. *sigh* ... can't wait to learn THAT contentment lesson!! ;)